We’re Having A(nother) Baby!

One baby.

Our due date is May 20, 2012.

The magical ultrasound machine showed one beautiful Monkey with arm and leg buds and a spine that is just beginning to develop.  We were even able to see the flicker of a heart beat.  145 beats per minute.  

Right alongside Monkey was an empty sac in which Button never even begun to grow.  My wife says that the next time we get scanned it will be gone entirely.  Absorbed back into her body.  Like it had never been there at all. 

But it was there and the fact of that has created some subtle shifts in our family.  When we were first married and dreaming of the baby who be Yogi, we weren’t sure we would have more than one child.  A family of four was the largest family we could imagine.  The decision seemed to be one child or two. 

And then we spent a few weeks imagining a family of five.  It was overwhelming and scary and thrilling and something about it felt perfect.  To both of us.

So, we’ll see.  There’s plenty of time for thinking and planning and dreaming.  For now, we’re having a(nother) baby!!!!!

One More Week – A TTC Update

Life is good and everyone is well, but I’m still crazy on the TTC front.  Yesterday was a particularly bad day in which I was convinced that Button was gone and I was worried that Monkey might be as well, bc you know people get punished for greed.  Oh yeah, it’s like that.  Ugly.  I would now be a perfect teaching demonstration for each one of the cognitive distortions associated with anxiety disorders. 
  • Catastrophizing?  Check 
  • Selective abstraction?  You betcha ya
  • Dichotomous thinking?  Absolutely
  • Overgeneralization? For sure.
The good news is that today is better and after crying to my wife in the five minutes I had to see her when she got home from work before I needed to go to Yogi’s Open House last night, I seem to have let go of whatever I was hanging on to.  I’m still counting the days (the appt is next Wednesday at noon), but I feel more peaceful.  Hopefully this will last a few days.
As you may have noticed from the first paragraph, the babies have gotten belly names.  We decided last weekend to be hopeful enough to talk about them as something other than “the babies” or “the big one” and “the little one”.  I know that the Eeney Meeny Miney Mommy ladies already have a Button at their house, so I hope they won’t mind but if you could see the image from the ultrasound (we didn’t get a file BTW), “the little one” looks just like a tiny Button.  So, Button it is.  And Monkey?  It sounded good to both us.  Case closed. 
For the next seven days we’ve got one Button and one Monkey and I’m grateful for that.

Not Giving Up

I’ve asked a lot of you lately and now I’m back with yet another request.*  The ultrasound went well and revealed TWO gestational sacs!!!!!  Here’s where it gets tricky.  One of the sacs looks entirely on track for its gestational age of 5 weeks and 5 days.  It has a yolk sac and measures for age.  The other sac is about a quarter of the size and does not have a yolk sac.  The sonographer said that it would be very unlikely for that sac to continue to develop.  She said she expects it will be a vanishing twin.  I say there are many unlikely things that do happen in spite of how unlikely they are and it hasn’t vanished yet.

So….this Mama is thrilled!!!  At this point we for sure have a healthy little sac and I could.not be more excited about that.  What is also important to me at this moment is that we have another tiny little guy that is still hanging on.  If he wants to be here, we VERY MUCH want him to be a part of our family.  Please, please, please send whatever you’ve got to that tiny little sac.  We go back for another ultrasound in a week and if they have both continued to grow I will be the happiest Mama ever.

*I promise to pay you back with tons of adorable baby pictures.

Got a Good Distraction?

Help.Me.

THE ultrasound is tmw morning at 9.  My wife is on call tonight which means she will be at the hospital until right before the appointment.  I am confident that Yogi will keep me busy until bedtime, but he will be snoozing away by 7:30.  I would really like to avoid scouring twin blogs and infertility message boards for beta levels, but I can’t seem to help myself.  Given one second alone, I launch directly into manic research state.  No passing go, no collecting $200.

So help a crazy girl out.  What’cha got?  Know of a TV show, a good book, a funny YouTube video? 

Surprise!

Thanks for following me over to Blogger!  I have been considering a move since around the time Yogi was born and I created a private picture share blog for family over here, but I haven’t done the relocation work until now.  You may wonder, why now?

Because I am in the full throes of the kind of mania that is possible for a person who does not have bipolar illness.  Which is to say that I am consumed with whatever it is that is going on in my wife’s uterus.  I’ve been forgetting to eat (this is VERY uncharacteristic), buzzing around the house at a million miles an hour and finding it nearly impossible to slow my mind down long enough to fall asleep.  So when my wife (who has been thrillingly exhausted lately) tucks into bed, I’ve been learning about how to move a blog from WordPress to Blogger.  There are certainly worse things a person could do with their time.

But the big question is, why all the crazy?  Why now?

At first I was thinking that the answer lie in the fact that during this part of our wait with Yogi I had a job.  I was entirely too busy to be this obsessed.  But…..his wait was during Winter Break, a time that I have always marked with goals along the lines of “read novels under blankets, bake cookies and catch up on Top Chef”.  I wasn’t even teaching.  Now, I should tell you that I was preoccupied during that wait.  No question.  I was excited and scared and eager and counting the minutes until each ultrasound.  I was far from chill.  But since the moment I saw that 280 appear on my phone, I have been jacked.up.  That is the only way to put it.  

I guess what I’m trying to say is – something is UP around here and I’d like to know what it is.  As someone who has a lot of pride tied up in the validity of her intuition, this is a vulnerable statement to make in such a public forum, but I think there is more than one baby in there.  I really, really, really feel that this is true.  I have scoured every IVF message board and website and I know that our betas are not in the “It’s totally twins” range.  They are higher than I had thought they would be based on Yogis numbers and our first early loss, but they aren’t that high.  I also know that beta values and even doubling rates are not perfect predictors of anything beyond the viability of a pregnancy.  I just have this feeling.

A feeling that I’d like to think is not just called “hope”.  But…. it might be.

Still Sparky

Clearly this guy is still his calm, chill self.  I, of course, am not.  I think the best description of my current state is sparky.  Reduced need for sleep, increased energy and lightning fast thoughts.  A small touch (spark?) of mania.  Baby mania.

My wife went in for the second beta at lunchtime and now it’s wait time and the clock.is.ticking.  I’m feeling optimistic though.  She felt pretty yucky last night and I couldn’t have been happier.  😉  Yesterday was our anniversary and I cooked jambalaya (yum!) for dinner (which Yogi LOVED by the way) and we had my wife’s favorite desert of brownies with vanilla ice cream.  It was a heavier meal than is typical around here and my lovely bride spent the rest of the evening with terrible heart burn.  Yay!!!!  Even she was happy about it.

In the midst of all of this beta craziness, Yogi has been doing some fun things.  First, did you notice the picture at the top of this post?!  He looks ridiculously cute in denim, but….. babies don’t wear jeans.  😦  He looks like such a big boy I can hardly stand it.  This is the outfit he wore to school on Tuesday when he went back for his first full (9-2) day.  He did cry this time when I kissed him goodbye, but I waited outside the door and he had stopped in less than two minutes.  When I picked him up that afternoon his teachers said that he had made it all the way to their actual naptime at noon without snoozing on the sly!  He did however refuse to drink either milk or water in spite of the fact that I brought his two favorite cups (this is a relative term), but I imagine he won’t dehydrate in 5 hours.  At least I hope not.  Overall I think he had fun and I’m proud of him.  I am getting pretty sick of the sippy-stand off though.

I’ll post the beta when I hear it.  I’ve still just got SUCH a strong twin feeling, but who knows.  I know you can’t know for sure until you can see what’s going on in there with ultrasound, but if the number more than doubles isn’t that kind of suggestive?  If you have thoughts or ideas about this, I’d love to hear them.  Thanks to everyone for being so excited for us!

Live Wire

I have felt like a buzzing, sparking live wire all day.  This is far from my first TTC rodeo, but today the wait was different.  I’ve been preoccupied and alternately worried and excited since the transfer, but today was something else entirely.  I haven’t been this anxious since graduate school.  Yogi and I went to a play date this AM during which I simultaneously carried on a conversation with four Moms, kept Yogi from dismantling a DVD player, ran my grocery list (organized by section) through my head on an endless loop, and sat on my hands to keep from typing a small subset of the things running through my mind.  Wowza.  That level of anxiety is exhausting and thankfully no longer my general state.

But…… who cares about any of that?!!  Today we are pregnant!

It was VERY hard to wait all.damn.day, but my wife sent a text with the numbers 280 and many, many exclamation points (my wife isn’t an exclamation point person so I love when she uses them and REALLY loves when she abuses them) and I didn’t care what time it was.  She called immediately afterward although we were both much too excited to actually talk.

I’m doing what I can not to over-analyze the number, but…. 280?!!!  It is true that today was 11 days post transfer of a day 6 blastocsyst and that is pretty far along for a 1st beta.  However, as a point of comparison – 10 days post transfer of a 5 day blastocyst that would become Yogi, our beta (it was the 2nd) was 157.  Hard not to compare.

280 feels like a HUGE number.

No way to know for sure until the ultrasound.

Patience is a virtue.