I managed to point out our smoke detectors, fire extinguishers, and baby safety equipment without any noticeable hostility. The fact that I have to adopt my own son is hardly the fault of the social worker after all. In spite of her infuriating attention to detail, she has been nothing but warm and helpful throughout this process and I appreciate that. But…. having to give someone a tour of your home while they carry a clipboard and make notes and have the power to suggest to the court that your adoption is not in the best interest of your own child is……. let’s call it difficult.
And then there are the boys. The Monk certainly doesn’t know what’s going on, but Yogi is eager to know EVERYTHING about everything. And what do we tell him? As Pajamamomma put it last time in the comments: For a kid who already knows what real adoption is, trying to explain why his mom needs to “adopt” his sibling and needed to “adopt” him will be kind of crazy-making. Crazy-making for sure.
I really feel like this process is forcing us to be the first people to plant a seed of doubt in Yogi’s mind about my role as his real Mom. At not yet 3 he’s (mostly) happy to accept whatever we tell him as truth, but how will he feel when he can understand that there was a judge who decided that it was ok for me to be his parent? That something so central to who all of us are and how we relate to one another was ever out of our hands? That is was a legal matter?
These were the thoughts bombarding me yesterday when Yogi woke up from his nap (my wife and I had a session before the home visit/kid meeting) to find a stranger in his house. A stranger who wanted to see his room and his toys and ask him how he felt about his brother. Yogi isn’t eager for conversation with even his favorite people when he first wakes up and now this? He managed it fine (in silence and on my lap), but I hate that he had to do it at all. It made me feel responsible and as much as I hate to say it, guilty. Wrong-headed I know, but I couldn’t help but think that if he were born into a normal family he wouldn’t have to deal with any of this.
This too shall pass, right?