It’s Christmas Eve

and we’re pregnant.  I can’t conceive (no pun intended) of a better gift than that.  I’m working to stay in the moment without getting too preoccupied about the test tomorrow.  Today we are pregnant.  Given the low number, we must have one embryo that implanted, and for now he’s hanging on.  That is what matters.

But (damn the buts), we’ve been here before.  We got a positive last month with a beta in the 30’s that had dropped by the second blood draw.  It could happen again.  Maybe it’s even likely, I don’t know.

I don’t want to feel this way.  I don’t want to be worried.  I want to be wildly and ridiculously optimistic.  I want to be one of those people who never saw it coming.  I guess TTC robs you of that.  I know that is dramatic and really, it’s not even true.  I’ve NEVER been that person.  I wasn’t even that kind of teenager.  Hell, I wasn’t that kind of 8 year old.  I was the kid who was sure I would be caught and thoroughly punished for even the things I didn’t do.  A few examples:

  • I was positive that I would be arrested for drug possession as a middle schooler bc I shared a locker with a girl I didn’t know who seemed a little sketchy.  The assistant DA came to our school to let us know that if it was in our lockers, we were going down for it.  Oh and I say sketchy bc she always told me about how much she wanted to beat me up.  Nice.  I loved middle school.
  • I was pretty sure I was going to pregnant and probably get AIDS from my high school boyfriend who I was not having sex with.  He was a virgin and I only gave him hand jobs, but hey….. it could happen.  No?
  • I was convinced that the cops would show up if I ever smoked pot (this was BEFORE the paranoia even kicked in) and the first time I did……………the cops showed up!!!  This is 100% true.  I don’t know how I got so lucky, but this was in a college dorm and they showed up to respond to something that was going on in a room across the hall.  Still… crazy isn’t it?!!
  • In spite of making all S’s (I think that was the good grade then) in elementary school, I was never sure I was going on to the next grade until I saw that check in the “promoted to the next grade” box.  You just never know.
  • I continue to be pretty sure that whatever food kick I am currently in the midst of (right now it’s noodles with parmesan and spray butter) is likely to give me cancer.  I’m never sure what kind of cancer I’ll get, I just know I’ll get it.

If you are wondering if I know how crazy I am, the answer is yes.  I come by it with a little nature (long line of anxiety on both sides of the family) and a little nurture (Mom was diagnosed with cancer they said was terminal when I was in the 4th grade and no one talked about it or told me – she made it through and is still alive).  So, I know all about generalized anxiety disorder and I even take the drugs.  Just imagine if I didn’t…..

Ho, ho, ho!!

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