I’m Struggling

Today is a rough day.  Trying to maintain my own optimism while dealing with/buffering myself from my wife’s pessimism.  She doesn’t feel pregnant anymore.  There is nothing to say about that.  It’s true for her and nothing I can come up with will touch it.  Logic and reason have no place in our house at the moment.  We are all emotion, all the time.  She is preparing herself for bad news tmw; she’s feeling the pain of it before it even comes.  It is what it is.

I believe that we are pregnant, but I still want to just sit down and have a good cry.

That could have something to do with the fact that PMS is upon me in a major way.

Or it could have to do with the fact that I had a two plus hour conversation with a colleague this afternoon that could have been summed up in three short words: GET OUT NOW.  Nice.  Nothing like a 50-something year old man crying in your office about how he’s totally lost himself in this godforsaken job and he didn’t really see it until it was TOO LATE.  Not what I need thankyouverymuch.  I try hard to resist deep, thoughtful reflections about my career for a reason.

Or it could have to do with the fact that it is hard to know what my wife needs when she gets in these depressive funks and that makes me feel powerless.  She doesn’t know what she needs, how am I supposed to know what she needs?  What can I DO people?!!!

Or it could have to do with the fact that sometimes I just like a good cry.

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4 thoughts on “I’m Struggling

  1. I'm sorry you're having a hard time…this, too, shall pass. It is usually impossible to know if you are or are not pregnant during the time of implantation. It was on the try that we were both convinced there was no way it happened when it did. I will hold onto hope for you.

  2. As a depressive funker myself, the best advice I have to offer is to leave her alone. Then, if she is like me, she will come to you. Or more likely, catch your eye from across the room in a way that says, “OK, I wont say anything mean if you come and be nice to me.” It's abusive, but loveable.

    As far as the strange and hapless life of an academic, I've only witnessed it from afar. When it's good it's really good and when it's bad, man — it seems like it could be worse than trying to conceive with all the uncertainty and self doubt.

  3. It is so hard when it comes down to the wire like this and you're feeling differently to each other. I know for us we've had times when K has been convinced she's not pregnant while I still hold on to the hope and end up pissing her off in the process! You're right, there's nothing to say to that and it's so hard to carry on your own hope while supporting your wife.

    For what it's worth, I'm still holding out hope for you and have my fingers crossed!

  4. As someone who gets in depressive funks too, I just want to be held, no talking needed.

    I'm thinking about you girls and holding on to hope that it worked. xo

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